How many times has some fuckhead been like “good morning!” to you, all chipper? This makes a number of GROUNDLESS assumptions.

Groundless Assumption #1 : That this is a morning.
Groundless Assumption #2 : That this is good.

Okay, generally it is morning. Though, oft is the case, I will call someone who works in a “place of business” at around 12:05pm and they will proudly answer the phone with “Good morning, Gerhardt (for example) speaking…” and I will be quick to say “this is no longer morning.  If you check the time, it’s past noon.  Well past.  So stop fucking wasting my time giving me well-wishes for a time long past, which, thanks for asking, wasn’t good in the first place.”  I might as well say “Good September 11, 2001!” the next time I answer the phone.  Was September 11th good?  No.

It’s really important to consider that starting a day on a high, good note, may prime you for a day that doesn’t meet expectations.  You may be skewed towards high-hopes.  The day will very likely let you down.  After all, if every day is average on average, then starting the day well with a series of “Good morning!!!”’s from friend and family is going to give you an unrealistic positivity.  The day will let you down, and you’ll be full of hopelessness and misery by sundown.

I propose that we greet eachother in the mornings in a different way: by reminding eachother of the pain and suffering inherent to modern life.  Enough of this “good morning!” cheery bullshit.  Instead, say “FAMILY DIES IN FIRE” or “HEADLESS CHILD DISCOVERED”.  They don’t have to even be true.  It could be a general statement of malaise: “EVERYTHING ENDS IN PAIN AND DEATH.”  It could be made personal: “I’M GOING DOWN AND TAKING YOU WITH ME.”  Conjectures of what could be: “IF IT WASN’T FOR LAW YOU’D BE MY BITCH.” or of what never was: “MY LIFE IS AN ONGOING FAILURE WITHOUT HOPE.”

It could just be an unfortunate concept: “RAPE.”  Or a more illustrated concept: “RAPE WITHOUT JUSTICE.”  Or an appeal to a well-known narrative: “SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION THE MOVIE EXCEPT AT THE END THE WARDEN ISN’T DISCOVERED HE JUST KEEPS PROFITING AND TIM ROBBINS DIES IN SOLITARY AND NOBODY CARES.”

After a morning like this, a minefield of macabre, depressing, horrific, and tragic ideas and images, the most-likely-average day that follows will, by comparison, be a great day.

If it weren’t already past noon I’d tell you: “GANG BANG ULTRA AIDS-RAPE: NO JUSTICE.”